It’s Never Too Late to Step Into Your Own Power

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On old friendships, the choices we make when we are young, and the courage to choose yourself again

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On old friendships, the choices we make when we are young, and the courage to choose yourself again

Last week, I had lunch with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in fifteen years. Not just any friend: we have known each other since we were twelve and were best friends for many years. We shared secrets, dreams, and that wonderful certainty girls can have that one day they will become exactly who they already imagine themselves to be.

And then, slowly, our friendship faded. She was dealing with problems in her marriage. At the same time, I met Martin. Our lives moved in different directions. Over the years, there were birthday wishes, congratulations and the occasional message, but no real meeting.

Until last week. We sat down for lunch and couldn’t stop talking. Who we thought we would become

Who we thought we would become

Part of our conversation was about the past. About who we were at twelve, but also at sixteen, eighteen and twenty-one. About how we are gradually shaped by our parents, our surroundings and the society we grow up in.

We both chose administrative training because our parents believed it was a good and sensible path for us. It would give us a stable job and a respectable life. We were prepared for security. For a life that was not supposed to involve too much risk.

That was not necessarily a bad thing. Our parents wanted the best for us. They wanted us to be independent, to have work and not to struggle. But within those well-intentioned suggestions was also an unspoken message: choose what is safe, what is suitable, what is expected of you.

Not necessarily what is quietly moving inside you.

As a young woman, it is not always easy to recognise the difference between your own desire and the image other people have of you. You learn early to consider everyone else. Their expectations, feelings and possibilities. You begin to ask yourself what is sensible, realistic and acceptable.

Choosing yourself can then feel selfish, unrealistic or ungrateful. Especially when you have become used to being a good daughter, partner, mother, colleague or friend.

Life rarely follows the plan

Neither of us is living the life we imagined at twelve. Or the life we might have predicted at sixteen, eighteen or twenty-one.

There have been cracks in the picture we once had of the future. Relationships ended. Dreams changed. Certainties turned out to be less certain. We have both made choices that did not always work out. We have fallen, started again and probably doubted ourselves more often than we ever imagined we would.

But we have also grown.

My life has turned out completely differently from what I expected. And yet it is big enough. Full enough. It contains love, loss, work, friendship, wonder and the space to choose again. I did not become who I thought I was supposed to become at twelve. I have come closer to who I truly am.

Perhaps that is something different from making your childhood dreams come true. Perhaps growing up is not about staying loyal to the old plan, but about learning to listen to what is alive in you now.

My friend chose a different life after her divorce. I did so earlier, after my parents divorced when I was seventeen. We each did it at our own moment and in our own way. Not because we knew exactly what we were doing, but because the old way no longer felt right.

That is often how change begins. Not with a clear five-step plan, but with a quiet yet persistent feeling: This is no longer me. Or perhaps: Maybe this was never entirely me to begin with.

Finding yourself does not mean going back

We often talk about finding yourself again. As if an original version of you is waiting somewhere to be rediscovered. Sometimes it does feel that way. As if beneath all the expectations, responsibilities and carefully adapted versions of yourself, there is still a woman who once knew what she liked, what she dreamed of and where her boundaries were.

But finding yourself does not mean going back to who you were. You are not a lost girl who needs to be repaired. You are someone who has gathered knowledge, experience and scars along the way.

So the question is not only: Who was I before I adapted myself to everyone else? The question is also: Who am I now, with everything I have lived through?

Research into self-determination theory shows that people flourish when three basic psychological needs have enough room: autonomy, the feeling that you are allowed to direct your own life; competence, the confidence that you can learn and contribute; and relatedness, the feeling that you belong to others. (1) Choosing yourself does not mean that you no longer need anyone. It means taking your own voice seriously within the relationships and responsibilities that matter to you.

Self-compassion also plays an important role. Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness, recognising that struggle is part of being human and being willing to stay present with what hurts. (2) It is not the same as letting yourself off the hook or never looking honestly at your own actions. When you stop constantly judging yourself, you create room to learn, take responsibility and begin again. (3)

Five ways to reconnect with yourself

1. Explore which choices are truly yours

Look at a few important choices in your life: your education, work, relationship, home or the way you spend your time.

Ask yourself:

• Would I choose this again if nobody had an opinion about it?

• Which need does this choice fulfil?

• Does this choice give me energy, or mainly approval?

• What would I want if security were not a factor?

You do not have to change everything immediately. Awareness is already a form of freedom. You may discover that a choice still suits you, but now because you are choosing it. Or you may realise that you have been carrying out an old decision for years that was never really yours.

2. Learn to distinguish guilt from a wrong choice

Choosing yourself can feel uncomfortable. That discomfort does not automatically mean you are doing something wrong.

Many women are used to considering everyone around them. As soon as they make time for themselves, set a boundary or choose a new direction, guilt can appear. Think of it as an old alarm system going off because you are trying something unfamiliar. Listen to it, but do not always let it make the decision.

A boundary can be loving. A new choice can be respectful. You are allowed to take yourself seriously without rejecting the people you love.

3. Pay attention to what gives you energy

Not everything that feels easy is good for you. And not everything that feels exciting or frightening is wrong.

Over the next week, notice the moments when you feel alive, clear or curious. Where are you when time seems to move more quickly? With whom do you not have to make yourself smaller or different? Which activities leave you with more energy than you had before?

You do not have to turn your entire life upside down. Start small. Plan an afternoon for something you have wanted to do for a long time. Sign up for a course. Call someone with whom you can be fully yourself. A life that feels more like yours often grows from small choices you keep making.

4. Rewrite your story without erasing your past

Look back at the different ages you have been: twelve, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one. Write down what you believed about love, work, success and a good life.

Then write a letter to that younger version of yourself. Not to tell her that she should have done everything differently, but to let her know what you understand now.

You might write: You knew what you knew. You chose with the possibilities, information and love you had at the time. You do not have to punish yourself for that today.

Your past does not have to prove that you are too late. It is where you come from. It is not where you have to stay.

5. Choose one truth you want to live more fully

Maybe your truth is that you no longer want to carry everything alone. Maybe you want to create, travel, rest, love or be seen more openly. Maybe you want to stop measuring yourself against a life that was never truly yours.

Choose one sentence to use as your compass for the coming month:

• I no longer have to live according to an image that no longer fits.

• My wishes are not a burden to other people.

• I am allowed to change without rejecting my past.

• I am allowed to begin again at my own pace.

• What is good for me is allowed to matter. A compass does not tell you every step. It simply helps you stay connected to your direction.

It is never too late

During our lunch, I thought about the two girls we once were. About what they hoped for, feared and could not yet know. I felt sad about some of the things that turned out differently from what we expected. But more than anything, I felt grateful.

Grateful that life was not completely fixed. Grateful that we did not have to remain who other people thought we were. And grateful that my childhood friend can now say she is happy with her life.

Not because everything went according to plan. Precisely because she learned to choose again along the way.

Perhaps that is the strength of growing older: you become less interested in proving that your life looks good from the outside. You want to feel that it is true on the inside. You want to make room for what matters to you. You do not only want to meet expectations; you want to be present in your own life. You do not have to be young for that. You do not have to know everything for certain. You do not even have to know what the next ten years will bring.

You can begin today with one honest question:

If I no longer had to become who I thought I was supposed to be, who would I dare to become?

The answer does not have to be big straight away. It might be a boundary. A conversation. A choice. A first step back towards yourself. But let it be yours.

Sources

[1] Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being

[2] The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself

[3] The Power of Self-Compassion

This article is intended as inspiration and does not replace professional support. If past pain, divorce or a major life transition continues to overwhelm you, speaking with a psychologist or another qualified professional may be helpful.