Mom

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Category

motherhood

Date

29/06/2021

Length

3 min read

Once I was married to your father, it took me a while to get pregnant. I always wanted to have children, and having you was a very conscious choice for me. I worked until 6 weeks before giving birth to you, but I stayed home not to miss any of your growth once you were born.

My motherhood, as you know, did not go as I wished or expected. I deliberately stopped working because I didn’t want to miss anything from you in the first few years. You were 1 1/2 when your father and I divorced. I would have loved to have a second child, but I didn’t want that with your father, also not after I got back together with him.

The first years of your life and the divorce were difficult for me. I was 27, and I had no idea about life or what I was doing. But what I did know was… I had you! You were all I had in this world. I had to move on after the divorce. I wasn’t alone, I had you, and we were together 24 hours a day.

After the divorce, I went through deep grief; it was difficult years, emotionally and financially. I was very disappointed in life; the divorce was hard on me (in those days, getting a divorce wasn’t as common as nowadays). Finally, 3 years later, your father and I got back together; I really thought that was the right decision at the time. I know now how stupid that may sound. Innocent as I was, I still believed in a happy ending.

We then moved to a new home and lived there for 15 years; you were 6 years old and went to primary school. I had learned from the years without your father that I never wanted to be financially dependent again. I went back to (night) school when you went to primary school and obtained multiple diplomas, after which I went back to work. Combining work and motherhood was doable in that way; I was able to work in the mornings and was home in the afternoons.

So during the 2nd divorce, 15 years later, I was much more assertive. I was terribly sad because you decided to leave home too at 18 to work and travel abroad. Still, afterward, I was also very proud that you did it. It was also very understandable you wanted to spread your wings and seek a more positive life.

After the second divorce, as a single woman, I did well; I was emotionally and financially independent. You and I stayed in good contact even though you traveled a lot. I was very happy when you decided to live in the Netherlands again at the age of 25, I really thought you would end up somewhere abroad. We still are in good touch today, although I wish it was more sometimes. I understand very well that your life with work and family life and motherhood often takes up all of you. I am very proud of you. How you stand in life and how you deal with motherhood is admirable.

Would I have done things differently? I think it’s a question everyone asks themselves sometimes. I would have liked to do certain things differently if I could turn back time. But those were different times too, and of course, I would have loved to give you a life like the one you give Finn. Not all dreams come true.

Styling Dayenne Bekker

Dee: dress Ganni and scarf Petals from her garden

Linda: sweater by 74thAvenue

Makeup and hair: Bianca Fabri